You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize