We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You dont lie about slip and slides
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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