could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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