I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
