I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
