i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
