my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
