I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
