Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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