i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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