You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
