I wanna bring you to show and tell
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
A+ Viking dick
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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