all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
