she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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