I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
