totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize