Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
