last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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