Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
