I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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