Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize