I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
