My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
