wanna go halves on a baby?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
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