i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize