I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Randomize
