allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i love accidental penises.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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