instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
