i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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