my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize