Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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