Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I don't deserve a penis
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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