I have demons in me.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
