You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
