So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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