I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
it hurts more in the daytime
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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