she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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