I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize