This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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