My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I have post one night stand depression
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
