i don't like sucking hair
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
