one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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