You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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