dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize