I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I can't put those talents on a resume
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
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