explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
