how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
