They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
