i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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