Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
