He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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