Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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