you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
