I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
