I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize