at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
