Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
