If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
