you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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