I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
