also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
