i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Randomize
